Jesus Freak?

Jesus was a crazy dude! I know we talk about how radical and different he was all of the time, but I was reading my Bible the other night and it just really stuck out to me that he was...weird. A couple of weeks ago in community group we talked about Nicodemus, and how Jesus just went straight to the point, not even really addressing Nicodemus' question. And then last night I was reading in John (side note: John 13, Jesus is with his disciples and he is talking about who will betray him. He says it will be whomever he gives the bread to, and obviously gives it to Judas Iscariot. It then says Satan immediately entered Judas and Jesus said "What you will do, do quickly." How crazy is that?? How did I never know that part of the story????). One of the guys was leaning up against Jesus when He said all of that in ch. 13. I guess just the mental image that came to my mind was just very strange and I was taken aback..."this guy is crazy! If I didn't know any better, I'd say they're following a cult!"


Do you ever have those times where Satan really gets into you? You don't even realize it because he's just that good. He plants those little seeds of doubt, which spring into thoughts like "What if this is just another religion and I'm not following a true god?"

A little bit of a different turn. Do you have songs that just speak to you? Ones that just melt your heart, no matter how many times you hear them? Here are mine:

1) River Flows In You-Yiruma
      I love piano. Love it. The first time I heard this I just melted. I can listen to this over and over for hours on end, and it is so relaxing. One of my friends is a great pianist and I asked him to learn how to play this for me. Just listening to him practice it, with all of the missed notes and off timing, I was in love. Although there are no words, I still hum loudly :)

2) It's Beautiful-EleventySeven
     I heard this one on the radio one time. I kept listening for weeks after, but it was never played again. I finally searched the internet until I found it. It's just a beautiful song of praise.

3) Meteor Shower-Owl City
    The first time I heard this was at the Passion conference a couple of years ago, so I always associate this song with crowds of people all gathered in one place to worship our Lord. It's such a reminder to myself that "I am not my own," and "I desperately need You."

4) Sanctuary
     This is a song I've loved since childhood. I used to sing with the campus BCM and would frequently research harmonies, and I like the harmony on this one.

The Best of Friends

We were the best of friends. Christian and I grew up together; we went to the same church, at times went to the same school,  we were even next door neighbors for a period. So many crazy stories: the time he ate a pepper straight from the garden, going to Big Kahuna's, wondering around in the woods behind our houses (we lived in the country...like wayy out). He's been my closest friend for the longest. And now he's married and living in south Florida, in the Marines, and working tons. I miss him. 

Yesterday, he revealed that he had found some emails from the summer I found out I was moving away. 

Just some excerpts from some of them that made me tear up a tiny bit:

Christian:  see when is a good time that i can come by your house and see u and say bye...I CANT BELIEVE YOUR" LEAVING! luv yas!

Ash: Soo...Dad and I are in an appt. right now. It's really nice (except for the stairs...we're on the 2nd floor.). Hmmm....what else to say? It's hard to hold a one-sided conversation. :) We've been watching a lot of  24 cause we have nothing better to do...in the middle of season 3 right now. :)

 Reply back!! I'm lonely out here! J/k not really...well at the apartment I am, but...whatever. Ok, Miss y'all!!!!

He had just learned to read. I still make weird faces (I'm the one with my hands in weird places). circa age 4

Christian, me, and his brother Jonathan dressed up for "The Gift." circa age 10

The summer we graduated high school. He had braces and was terribly afraid of smiling. :)

20. Finally out of the awkward teen years. And he's engaged (that's Abi)!!

He's married now!!

(To all of those people who always told me growing up that we would get married, I just want to take this moment to say....BOOYAH!)

I Can Go the Distance

I think I'm going to Africa! I've always said I want to do missions (though I've never felt called to long term), and the perfect opportunity has now arrived. It's been since about January that I've been praying about this, and I feel God is calling me to it. At first I was very hesistant--a year or two in Africa..what will my parents say? How will I get the money? What if I don't pass NCLEX???

As I've prayed, talked with some people, and done some research, I get more and more excited! I was just reading about malaria on the CDC website, and I'm so ready to go get some antimalarials! Haha, a little early for that.

One of the nurses that I work with is in the process of preparing to go to Papua New Guinea. She has been awesome, just giving me pointers, recommending books to get, who I need to talk to. And another plus that I like to think about is getting to see Josh and Kimberly's little boy grow up :)

So what would I do? Well for one I'd be working with Josh and Kimberly, and whoever else joins the team, in reaching a people group that is currently unreached (i.e. church planting). But using my healthcare background, as a tool to reach people, I'd like to do some health promotion/disease prevention classes. I think it'd be awesome to research the disease common to whatever area and learn the preventative measures and then teach them!

So that's the jist of it right now. It's still kind of early in the process, but I'm pumped. Be praying!

Ok, so not the whole "warm welcome" and "feel like I belong" stuff, but I like how the rest of the song fits :)

Lord, I Need You

"Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. 'Simon,' he said to Peter, 'are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.'" Mark 14: 37-38

I read this passage and it spoke to me. "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." That's where I feel I am right now. I feel so weak sometimes, but I want to overcome it. I like the commentary for this section:
1)Keep watch-stay awake and be morally vigilant
2)Pray to God-this is how you maintain your vigilance

It was another struggle today to keep from blaming others. It still is, even as I think about it. I'm so ready to be done with this. I think part of the reason though is that I have such trouble making new friends that I don't want to let go of these.



God, change me. Make my thoughts like yours. Drive the devil out of my mind and take control. Give me faith and love, so that I can love others. 

Walking on Water

It is so hard to reconstruct thought processes. My flesh wants to think "She still hasn't responded to me," or "He and I haven't talked in a month." You know, I'm thankful for the experiences I've had and the time I've had with people. I learn a lot from different phases. Yet it's hard not to place the blame on them, although my head may say "God, you're in control." This causes me to think:

Do I really believe what I say?


Hebrews 11 says "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the confidence of things not seen." Do I have true faith? I think faith is something that can be acquired over time. But I don't quite have it yet. Well, at least in some areas. Rather than walking on the waters of fear and blame, I'm sinking in them. Jesus, save me.

I am so thankful for my best friend. We met when I started school in 8th grade, so it's been 8 years now. And really when I think about it, I kinda think that my moving away in 10th grade was better for us. I think if we had finished out high school and then separated at college, we would have drifted farther away. I love you Jenn!

Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.-The Wonder Years

New Growth

I'm glad to be getting out of this rut. Which is surprising, considering how bitter I was before. Someone at school today said "You look pretty today. It's a look that would make me ask 'Are you dating?'" I like that it's showing. But I see some of the effects of the past too. Someone else told me yesterday "You isolate yourself." It's true. When I go to class, I sit by myself, and I don't interact unless required.

On another note, it's been nearly one year since the formation of Ignite City Church! A little bit less for me, I joined up in late July. Amy posted about what's happened in the last year. It's amazing to see how God has moved to bring us together. I'm so excited to see what will happen in the years to come.

My God Is A Provider

My God is an awesome God.

As I was preparing myself mentally to pay the last installment of this semester's tuition, I was freaking out about ending up with just $5 left to my name. I drove by the bank to get check my balance, just to make sure I had the numbers right. There was $45 extra in my account. Rather flabbergasted, I went to the library to see what had been deposited. It was from Amazon, for books I had sold over a month ago! What perfect timing. And yet another story, in the same day! I had an orthodontist appointment (haven't been in 4 months...figured it was about time to make an appearance again). I haven't worn my upper retainer in months because the dog got it and messed it up. I don't have the money to buy a new one (obviously). When I told them this, they said I could bake them cookies in exchange for a new retainer! I have to give the glory to God. If I had experienced these situations separately, I don't think it would have been as awesome to me. I am so thankful. I don't deserve it at all. My God is a provider.

When I got in the car after my appointment, this song played:

He is here
He was there
He is peace
He is faithful

Sundays

I love Sundays. Because my church meets at night, it's a day I can sleep in. It's usually pretty relaxing. And today, true to the name, it's sunny!

This afternoon I went up to campus and sat out by the lake, just studying and soaking up some glorious rays. Then I decided to get myself a Sonic slush (half price during happy hour of course) and pull out my Bible. I didn't really read anything in particular, just kept skipping around reading a verse here or there, whatever caught my fancy. A lot of the stuff I stopped on was about anger.

My new favorite band is We Came As Romans. There is so much hope in their lyrics. In every song, it seems, I find something to relate to, some line to hang on to. So, here's a song: Searching, Seeking, Reaching, Always.

I always knew I'd never reach perfection,
and if I ever did then I wasn't trying hard enough.
Because there is always something more to reach for.

And every end is just the start to something else.
I think that if we ever stopped seeking out
what it is that keeps us growing,
then we'll never stop searching for the piece.
The heart that will keep us loving.

I'm always searching for

I'm always searching.
This path's not easy to walk upon.
I'm always seeking.
Knowing that I'm eager to carry on.
I'm searching, seeking, reaching for something more.
I'll be better than before.
Reaching for something more

So if we keep seeking out what is right,
moving on after being set back,
searching out what keeps us strong.
Searching out, and always building up the things that we lack.
This path we choose is not the easiest to walk upon
And knowing that I am more eager to continue on
because I know that when I reach the end
I'll be better than before

Reaching for something more
I'm always searching

I'm always searching
This path's not easy to walk upon
I'm always seeking
Knowing that I'm eager to carry on
I'm searching, seeking, reaching for something more
I'll be better than before
Reaching for something more 

The Fool

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalm 13:2

Gosh, how dead on.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

Maybe if I keep saying it over and over again, my heart will finally believe it.

Step By Step

Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is.

— Amos 5:14 (NIV)

Today was better. I was in the company of some of those that I still harbor bitterness against. I was able to speak with them and not be rude or ignore them like I have been. It's still hard, though. It's hard when everyone has paired off, either boy-girl relationships or just different friendships, and I feel like I'm an outsider now. I've done that to myself though. I've backed off a whole heck of a lot, which is somewhat good but I don't have anyone now. I guess more reason for this blog :) So, I continue to seek good, seek the Lord, and I know that He will be with me every step of the way. 

I wanna heal

I realize my last post was a little depressing and "woe is me"-esque. I know that there is a major battle going on within me, and the fault is completely my own.

I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.  Psalm 55:16-17


Do I call out to God evening, morning and noon? Do I trust Him? I don't believe I do, otherwise I wouldn't be having such a battle. 


Today will be different. Today I will start to break down the walls I've built around me, and I will cry out to my God. I have got to uproot these seeds of bitterness that I have let grow for too long. 


Somewhere I Belong

"More than a heartbreak"

I am a 20-something college student stuck in a rut. I feel like every time I try to pick myself back up, I fall back down and break open those scabbed up knees all over again. Thus, the name of this blog.

"i dont have a tremendous number of friends and there are even fewer that really know me. and not just a part or a version of me. for whatever reason, the Lord has woven a common theme throughout my friendships. He draws me closer to Him as i pray and beg for a close friend, someone to know me and understand me and walk with me through life. during that time of waiting, my relationship with Him has always grown and strengthened. then He answers with the most beautiful friendship. and then, over a course of time, He takes it away. it took awhile for me to stop becoming angry with Him for the pain of it, for the feeling of being let down, being disappointed and alone. it definitely took a lot of growing to see it as something more than a heartbreak."

I completely relate to this. This is from Cassie, a post from a while ago, actually, but I keep coming back to it over and over. I'm still working on the bitterness. To be quite honest, I don't really want to change that at the moment. I want to be bitter and mean and angry. Sometimes I can hide it well. Other times, I have to remove myself from the situation. My head knows this is bad, and I keep trying to convince my heart of the same, but it's not worked yet.

I still have a lot of growing to do...