I feel like I am an awkward person.

I constantly come across either: 1) not knowing what to say, or 2) saying something at the wrong time, or in the wrong manner.

Sure, I get by all right, but there's this internal struggle of being around people (especially ones I don't know well) versus keeping myself to myself.

Ah, well. Such is life, right?

New Michael and Henry song!

I am all about these boys.

An overdue update

I have a hard time letting go of people. But I also get pissed when people become inconsistent. What a predicament this puts me in! It's almost to the point where I need to delete contacts from my phone and facebook so I'm not constantly tempted to try to keep up with them.

I still struggle a lot with jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes it's not so bad, but at other times it makes me not even want to be around this person people. I'm still praying for God to help me with it. I've gotten better at managing it as far as outward appearances, but not so much with the insides.

In other news, I passed my OB class! Let's shoot for the same in Peds, ok? Good. And as strange as it is to say it, I'm actually really enjoying the cardiac system-now that i'm starting to understand it.

Finally, my music pick. This has been my favorite Red song as of late, so here it is

Shadows-Red

Sunset, I close my eyes
I pretend everything's alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can't pretend everything's alright
Please don't let me fall forever
Can you tell me it's over?

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

Caught in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me, I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it's over now?

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

I'm holding onto you [x2]
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

Thoughts of a worn out college student

I do some of my best thinking while driving. For instance, I can like something a lot, but also see the humor and why people make fun of it. Take Twilight. I am a closet Twilight fan. And I totally make fun of it with others.

I've been trying to realize ways in which I can better live out my faith without pushing it in people's throats (which I think at times is necessary, but is not conducive for building a relationship). Little things like smiling more, making an effort to say hello, to show an interest in people. I would "ask the audience," but there's not really much audience here so I'll leave it at that.

7 months of school left......

I've recently fallen in love with this little show called

Yep, I've hopped onto the bandwagon. Someone please say they have seasons 2 and/or3?!?? Netflix is behind the times with the instant watch.

I've finally joined the fitness center on campus! I got a card when I was a freshman, but never stepped foot inside the building. I figured since tuition is going up 8% and I'm paying for it, I might as well use it. PLUS, I found a workout buddy!! We decided to try the Hip Hop Jam class...my pride is a bit wounded, I must say, but it was totally fun. White girls weren't meant to move like that.


At long last, I'm on my last respite of summer. I have 6 days of no work and no school-so I'm going to Troy! Should be fun.

I shall leave you with some music. I got to see this band live, amazingly enough---NOBODY comes to rinkydink Alabama, but these guys did.
I don't know why they're playing in a warehouse with no roof in the snow, but there ya go...

Do Nothing

I hit the nail on the head tonight. I've realized the cause for some of my misfortunes.

I haven't forgiven myself for past mistakes.


I know I've been forgiven by God and others, but I still carry guilt. Which in turn leads me to be jealous of those who are-seemingly-doing better than I spiritually. These certain people--I don't want to hear about how great their relationship with God is, how great things have been for them. And that is so wrong.

I realize that forgiving myself is about perspective. The focus should be on Christ and how he has forgiven me and set me free. More often, however, it is on myself and how I've screwed up, or how others are doing so much better. A comparison.

Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit." Young's literal translation says "nothing in rivalry or vain glory..." In other words, don't compare yourself! At Passion 2011, we were encouraged to remember this verse when we caught ourselves comparing.

But comparing ourselves is so ingrained in us, that we don't even realize we are doing it.


I guess for right now, the only answer I can come up with is to pray. Pray for humility, forgiveness, and freedom from guilt.

La tee dah

You know how when you were younger and you saw someone who was older than you and they were so cool? I even remember being in high school and seeing a college girl and thinking "man, she's so awesome. I can't wait until I'm in college."

That's me. I'm 21!?

I don't feel that old. I'll be 21 when I graduate. I'll be 21 when I-hopefully-pass the NCLEX and become a registered nurse. How weird is that?

So, in honor of my 21st birthday, my love for piano, and my deep appreciation for fantastic harmonies....here's a song! (Not the greatest in content, but, ya know...)

Perfect?

I've been thinking about the word "perfect" and the weight that is carried with it. It's so overused.


"He's the perfect guy...This thing is perfect...I just made the perfect sandwich."


I think sometimes the word "perfect" puts too much expectations on people. People are not perfect...even your spouse/significant other. Saying that they are perfect puts too much pressure on them. God is the only perfect.

Psalm 119:96 "To all perfection I see a limit, but your commands are boundless."

So, I am going to try to eliminate this word, "perfect," from my vocabulary when not used in reference to the only Perfect. Now "awesome"--that's an awesome word!

I've got your back if you've got my hand

It's harder to write when you're in a good mood. Why is that?

Although I still struggle a lot, I feel better than I have in almost a year. It seems like I go through these phases where God has to strip away my friendships to help me realize something, and it's hard but rewarding. But really, it's only hard on the..well, hard days. Only on those days where I slip back into the bitterness and depression. It's still so very easy to slip back into it, but I think I've gotten better at preventing that. In addition, I've been trying to be a nicer person. A lot of things have hardened me. One of my professors told us today in class that she can tell that the nurses who care are the ones who cry. I've developed myself to the point where I can block myself from caring-not that I don't care, but that I don't show it anymore, or that I show it in inappropriate ways. So my goal has been to be less mean, let myself cry, wear my emotions a little more publicly.

School and work have kept me busy as a bee this summer. Only two and a half weeks left, thank goodness. It's not like either of them are particularly difficult, but when you combine them plus having to wake up at or before 6 every morning, it wears a body out. I'm ready to have a good week or two to let myself sleep late (past 730) and do nothing.

I turn 21 in 6 days! I've let myself get excited about this one because I haven't been pumped for anything in a long time, and frankly, the last two birthdays sucked. Let's go 21!

Random Thought

I want a guy who will make me feel girlly, yet allow me to keep up with him.

Oh, feelings

You know that feeling of longing that sometimes comes with nostalgia? And the one that comes when you finish a great book series? Or at the end of a terrific movie? Yeah. I think I've gotten it from all of those areas this week.

Overcoming

Things have been on the up and up, for the most part. I think a big part of that is being discipled. I started going to a different community group, and I absolutely love it. I love the honesty, and the teaching, and the prayer. That's something that's been missing from my life for far too long. Also, I've started journaling my prayers. I've never been into journaling, but I find that this really helps keep me focused. I've kinda stolen the format from the days of Bible Journals in high school...I write out my favorite verse from what I read and then write out my prayer. And it's good to be able to go back and see how God has changed me.



One month until I turn 21!

Emptiness

Today has been quite forlorn.
1) I'm in summer school.
2) Driving around campus, seeing everything so much emptier than it usually is, is depressing
3) Again I've come to realize that I've isolated myself from everyone. All of the friends I used to have here at school are gone. Seeing the places around school where we used to go together brings back all the memories of the fun times, and the reminder of the mistakes I've made.

Death and Life

Death and life. I've seen it both today. My cousin's baby arrived early this morning. A patient at work died today. My best friend's dad died in war (click HERE to read the story). Countless others have died to give us freedom.

But it's all just a glimpse of the ultimate death- the one that gives us ultimate life.


God, thank you so much for your gift of life through death. Thank you for those who have died to protect our freedom. Thank you for life.

They Say This World Is What I Make Of It

I did it. I sent an email to a friend. I basically copied the paragraph from my previous post, saying that I still have bitterness, but I know that needs to change and I want to be there for her. Little by little, I'm releasing it to God. It's freeing.

It's time for the update on my trip!

First of all, my brother graduated from high school!! Congrats, Cameron!

I went down to Mobile with my grandparents

I got to see this cutie, Mikinsey

Along with our other cousins, Peyton, Gabe, and Emma

Then I went to Pensacola and Niceville (yes, it's real!) and got to see my two best friends from high school!

And then I flew home. I lovvvedddd flying. The Emerald Coast is so beautiful from up above. God has made such a beautiful creation. And yet, there's more to come. Romans 9 says the earth groans in pain like childbirth, that because of sin it is not perfect anymore. The recent storms are a testament to that. I am so thankful to be one of God's children.

Learning To Let Go

I'm back! I had a wonderful time making my yearly rounds around the south! And I lovvveddd flying!!! Flying for one hour is 100 times better than driving for five!

While I was with Jenn in Pensacola, I went to church with her. The sermon really spoke to my heart. I can't even really remember what he said (so I got online and downloaded the podcast), but what I got out of it was important. I've been holding onto a lot of bitterness. For a while I tried to justify it. Then, as the relationships drew apart, I decided it wasn't worth pursuing anymore. God has been showing me that I shouldn't give up. Even though it's hard, I need to rebuild. But I'm still holding onto it. It's not an area that I've given over control. And to be honest, I don't quite want to yet. But I know I need to. Prayers greatly appreciated.

Oh, Happiness

I love the way God orchestrates things at just the right time! My Granny and I came home from church and began to scheme. The result? I'll be going back home with them to Mobile! Then she will take me to Pensacola, where I will get to see my bestie. And then my bestie will take me to the airport where I will fly home--on my first plane, and for $40 no less! I can't wait to see my--very pregnant--cousin and her sweet Kinsey...

I can't wait to drive my granny down this road....

and I can't wait to see this beautiful city from up in the sky!

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Proverbial Guy Post

Edit::the font is weird, so it looks like the title is "gay" but it's really "guy"

"What about you and Greene?"

Don't you just hate that? When someone initiates that thought of interest in your head, and you then can't stop thinking about it? Am I making sense?

I've known Greene for about two years now, we met at church one Tuesday evening. I remember going to Chik-fil-A after, sitting at a table with him, Rachel, and a few others, thoroughly confused over his name because he had introduced himself as Daniel but everyone was calling him Greene. Ever since then, people have asked about us. I don't know what it is. Do they see something that I don't?? Two years is a long time to have these thoughts re-awakened again and again. Each time Rachel eyes me, secretly signaling that she's sizing us up, I'm faced with "what if?"

"What if he likes me, and everyone knows it but me?"
"What if we went together?"
"Do I like him?"
"What am I thinking, I'm going to Africa!"

And as much as I love chick flicks and books and the like, they are terrible for me. Maybe that's why I've been so drawn to the action movies as of late. It's a struggle to fight against what the media (and even Christian books) says about relationships and the "perfect" guy. Unrealistic expectations.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't know how I feel about guys and dating and all of that. Through high school, I never had the opportunities presented, so I never had to deal with it. The summer after I graduated, I dated a guy that taught me a lot of what I didn't want. After that, I swore off dating in college. I used that excuse a few months ago on a guy. Lame, I know. I've never been one to drool over guys though. Quite honestly, I tend to hermitize (yes, hermitize-as in, make myself a hermit) when a guy shows interest in me. Sometimes I wonder if it's time to quit being so oppositional; but then I think "Oh, I'm going to Africa, no need to start something" (which is quite true), or some other excuse like that. I guess that's what I feel like I'm doing: making excuses.

Wouldn't it be grand to be asexual? ;) Just joking on that one.

And don't worry, my head knows all the right answers: "God has a plan," "You're doing the wise thing," etc, etc. My heart just tends to throw things for a loop sometimes and make me question myself. Whose doesn't?

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus

I don't even know where to begin. Last week's tornado crazies have had me thinking a lot. Just 15 minutes from where I live, this is what I saw: 

Total devastation. I am so thankful for what God has blessed me with. It's really put my attitude in check and put the events of the past few months into a better perspective...not that I'm completely over everything, I'm just not taking the "woe is me" attitude. 

In a somewhat related way... God has been so good to me. He knows my gifts-I'm not talking about what he has gifted me with personality-wise. But He knows what to give me. Certain things he does just make me so aware of him, and just giddy. So tonight, God chose to gift me with the sight of quite a few old friends. It was so wonderful. I couldn't stop smiling and singing the whole way home. :)

Forever-Kristian Stanfill

Jesus Freak?

Jesus was a crazy dude! I know we talk about how radical and different he was all of the time, but I was reading my Bible the other night and it just really stuck out to me that he was...weird. A couple of weeks ago in community group we talked about Nicodemus, and how Jesus just went straight to the point, not even really addressing Nicodemus' question. And then last night I was reading in John (side note: John 13, Jesus is with his disciples and he is talking about who will betray him. He says it will be whomever he gives the bread to, and obviously gives it to Judas Iscariot. It then says Satan immediately entered Judas and Jesus said "What you will do, do quickly." How crazy is that?? How did I never know that part of the story????). One of the guys was leaning up against Jesus when He said all of that in ch. 13. I guess just the mental image that came to my mind was just very strange and I was taken aback..."this guy is crazy! If I didn't know any better, I'd say they're following a cult!"


Do you ever have those times where Satan really gets into you? You don't even realize it because he's just that good. He plants those little seeds of doubt, which spring into thoughts like "What if this is just another religion and I'm not following a true god?"

A little bit of a different turn. Do you have songs that just speak to you? Ones that just melt your heart, no matter how many times you hear them? Here are mine:

1) River Flows In You-Yiruma
      I love piano. Love it. The first time I heard this I just melted. I can listen to this over and over for hours on end, and it is so relaxing. One of my friends is a great pianist and I asked him to learn how to play this for me. Just listening to him practice it, with all of the missed notes and off timing, I was in love. Although there are no words, I still hum loudly :)

2) It's Beautiful-EleventySeven
     I heard this one on the radio one time. I kept listening for weeks after, but it was never played again. I finally searched the internet until I found it. It's just a beautiful song of praise.

3) Meteor Shower-Owl City
    The first time I heard this was at the Passion conference a couple of years ago, so I always associate this song with crowds of people all gathered in one place to worship our Lord. It's such a reminder to myself that "I am not my own," and "I desperately need You."

4) Sanctuary
     This is a song I've loved since childhood. I used to sing with the campus BCM and would frequently research harmonies, and I like the harmony on this one.

The Best of Friends

We were the best of friends. Christian and I grew up together; we went to the same church, at times went to the same school,  we were even next door neighbors for a period. So many crazy stories: the time he ate a pepper straight from the garden, going to Big Kahuna's, wondering around in the woods behind our houses (we lived in the country...like wayy out). He's been my closest friend for the longest. And now he's married and living in south Florida, in the Marines, and working tons. I miss him. 

Yesterday, he revealed that he had found some emails from the summer I found out I was moving away. 

Just some excerpts from some of them that made me tear up a tiny bit:

Christian:  see when is a good time that i can come by your house and see u and say bye...I CANT BELIEVE YOUR" LEAVING! luv yas!

Ash: Soo...Dad and I are in an appt. right now. It's really nice (except for the stairs...we're on the 2nd floor.). Hmmm....what else to say? It's hard to hold a one-sided conversation. :) We've been watching a lot of  24 cause we have nothing better to do...in the middle of season 3 right now. :)

 Reply back!! I'm lonely out here! J/k not really...well at the apartment I am, but...whatever. Ok, Miss y'all!!!!

He had just learned to read. I still make weird faces (I'm the one with my hands in weird places). circa age 4

Christian, me, and his brother Jonathan dressed up for "The Gift." circa age 10

The summer we graduated high school. He had braces and was terribly afraid of smiling. :)

20. Finally out of the awkward teen years. And he's engaged (that's Abi)!!

He's married now!!

(To all of those people who always told me growing up that we would get married, I just want to take this moment to say....BOOYAH!)

I Can Go the Distance

I think I'm going to Africa! I've always said I want to do missions (though I've never felt called to long term), and the perfect opportunity has now arrived. It's been since about January that I've been praying about this, and I feel God is calling me to it. At first I was very hesistant--a year or two in Africa..what will my parents say? How will I get the money? What if I don't pass NCLEX???

As I've prayed, talked with some people, and done some research, I get more and more excited! I was just reading about malaria on the CDC website, and I'm so ready to go get some antimalarials! Haha, a little early for that.

One of the nurses that I work with is in the process of preparing to go to Papua New Guinea. She has been awesome, just giving me pointers, recommending books to get, who I need to talk to. And another plus that I like to think about is getting to see Josh and Kimberly's little boy grow up :)

So what would I do? Well for one I'd be working with Josh and Kimberly, and whoever else joins the team, in reaching a people group that is currently unreached (i.e. church planting). But using my healthcare background, as a tool to reach people, I'd like to do some health promotion/disease prevention classes. I think it'd be awesome to research the disease common to whatever area and learn the preventative measures and then teach them!

So that's the jist of it right now. It's still kind of early in the process, but I'm pumped. Be praying!

Ok, so not the whole "warm welcome" and "feel like I belong" stuff, but I like how the rest of the song fits :)

Lord, I Need You

"Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. 'Simon,' he said to Peter, 'are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.'" Mark 14: 37-38

I read this passage and it spoke to me. "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." That's where I feel I am right now. I feel so weak sometimes, but I want to overcome it. I like the commentary for this section:
1)Keep watch-stay awake and be morally vigilant
2)Pray to God-this is how you maintain your vigilance

It was another struggle today to keep from blaming others. It still is, even as I think about it. I'm so ready to be done with this. I think part of the reason though is that I have such trouble making new friends that I don't want to let go of these.



God, change me. Make my thoughts like yours. Drive the devil out of my mind and take control. Give me faith and love, so that I can love others. 

Walking on Water

It is so hard to reconstruct thought processes. My flesh wants to think "She still hasn't responded to me," or "He and I haven't talked in a month." You know, I'm thankful for the experiences I've had and the time I've had with people. I learn a lot from different phases. Yet it's hard not to place the blame on them, although my head may say "God, you're in control." This causes me to think:

Do I really believe what I say?


Hebrews 11 says "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the confidence of things not seen." Do I have true faith? I think faith is something that can be acquired over time. But I don't quite have it yet. Well, at least in some areas. Rather than walking on the waters of fear and blame, I'm sinking in them. Jesus, save me.

I am so thankful for my best friend. We met when I started school in 8th grade, so it's been 8 years now. And really when I think about it, I kinda think that my moving away in 10th grade was better for us. I think if we had finished out high school and then separated at college, we would have drifted farther away. I love you Jenn!

Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.-The Wonder Years

New Growth

I'm glad to be getting out of this rut. Which is surprising, considering how bitter I was before. Someone at school today said "You look pretty today. It's a look that would make me ask 'Are you dating?'" I like that it's showing. But I see some of the effects of the past too. Someone else told me yesterday "You isolate yourself." It's true. When I go to class, I sit by myself, and I don't interact unless required.

On another note, it's been nearly one year since the formation of Ignite City Church! A little bit less for me, I joined up in late July. Amy posted about what's happened in the last year. It's amazing to see how God has moved to bring us together. I'm so excited to see what will happen in the years to come.

My God Is A Provider

My God is an awesome God.

As I was preparing myself mentally to pay the last installment of this semester's tuition, I was freaking out about ending up with just $5 left to my name. I drove by the bank to get check my balance, just to make sure I had the numbers right. There was $45 extra in my account. Rather flabbergasted, I went to the library to see what had been deposited. It was from Amazon, for books I had sold over a month ago! What perfect timing. And yet another story, in the same day! I had an orthodontist appointment (haven't been in 4 months...figured it was about time to make an appearance again). I haven't worn my upper retainer in months because the dog got it and messed it up. I don't have the money to buy a new one (obviously). When I told them this, they said I could bake them cookies in exchange for a new retainer! I have to give the glory to God. If I had experienced these situations separately, I don't think it would have been as awesome to me. I am so thankful. I don't deserve it at all. My God is a provider.

When I got in the car after my appointment, this song played:

He is here
He was there
He is peace
He is faithful

Sundays

I love Sundays. Because my church meets at night, it's a day I can sleep in. It's usually pretty relaxing. And today, true to the name, it's sunny!

This afternoon I went up to campus and sat out by the lake, just studying and soaking up some glorious rays. Then I decided to get myself a Sonic slush (half price during happy hour of course) and pull out my Bible. I didn't really read anything in particular, just kept skipping around reading a verse here or there, whatever caught my fancy. A lot of the stuff I stopped on was about anger.

My new favorite band is We Came As Romans. There is so much hope in their lyrics. In every song, it seems, I find something to relate to, some line to hang on to. So, here's a song: Searching, Seeking, Reaching, Always.

I always knew I'd never reach perfection,
and if I ever did then I wasn't trying hard enough.
Because there is always something more to reach for.

And every end is just the start to something else.
I think that if we ever stopped seeking out
what it is that keeps us growing,
then we'll never stop searching for the piece.
The heart that will keep us loving.

I'm always searching for

I'm always searching.
This path's not easy to walk upon.
I'm always seeking.
Knowing that I'm eager to carry on.
I'm searching, seeking, reaching for something more.
I'll be better than before.
Reaching for something more

So if we keep seeking out what is right,
moving on after being set back,
searching out what keeps us strong.
Searching out, and always building up the things that we lack.
This path we choose is not the easiest to walk upon
And knowing that I am more eager to continue on
because I know that when I reach the end
I'll be better than before

Reaching for something more
I'm always searching

I'm always searching
This path's not easy to walk upon
I'm always seeking
Knowing that I'm eager to carry on
I'm searching, seeking, reaching for something more
I'll be better than before
Reaching for something more 

The Fool

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalm 13:2

Gosh, how dead on.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

Maybe if I keep saying it over and over again, my heart will finally believe it.

Step By Step

Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is.

— Amos 5:14 (NIV)

Today was better. I was in the company of some of those that I still harbor bitterness against. I was able to speak with them and not be rude or ignore them like I have been. It's still hard, though. It's hard when everyone has paired off, either boy-girl relationships or just different friendships, and I feel like I'm an outsider now. I've done that to myself though. I've backed off a whole heck of a lot, which is somewhat good but I don't have anyone now. I guess more reason for this blog :) So, I continue to seek good, seek the Lord, and I know that He will be with me every step of the way. 

I wanna heal

I realize my last post was a little depressing and "woe is me"-esque. I know that there is a major battle going on within me, and the fault is completely my own.

I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.  Psalm 55:16-17


Do I call out to God evening, morning and noon? Do I trust Him? I don't believe I do, otherwise I wouldn't be having such a battle. 


Today will be different. Today I will start to break down the walls I've built around me, and I will cry out to my God. I have got to uproot these seeds of bitterness that I have let grow for too long. 


Somewhere I Belong

"More than a heartbreak"

I am a 20-something college student stuck in a rut. I feel like every time I try to pick myself back up, I fall back down and break open those scabbed up knees all over again. Thus, the name of this blog.

"i dont have a tremendous number of friends and there are even fewer that really know me. and not just a part or a version of me. for whatever reason, the Lord has woven a common theme throughout my friendships. He draws me closer to Him as i pray and beg for a close friend, someone to know me and understand me and walk with me through life. during that time of waiting, my relationship with Him has always grown and strengthened. then He answers with the most beautiful friendship. and then, over a course of time, He takes it away. it took awhile for me to stop becoming angry with Him for the pain of it, for the feeling of being let down, being disappointed and alone. it definitely took a lot of growing to see it as something more than a heartbreak."

I completely relate to this. This is from Cassie, a post from a while ago, actually, but I keep coming back to it over and over. I'm still working on the bitterness. To be quite honest, I don't really want to change that at the moment. I want to be bitter and mean and angry. Sometimes I can hide it well. Other times, I have to remove myself from the situation. My head knows this is bad, and I keep trying to convince my heart of the same, but it's not worked yet.

I still have a lot of growing to do...